Image by Moe M via Flickr
Last night I spent the night in a sleep clinic, undergoing a sleep study, wired from head to toe. The wires were affixed with little globs of goo; two belts were snapped around me: one around my waist and one around my chest. They had wires attached to them, as well. A little hose was stuck in my nose, not to provide me with oxygen, but to monitor my breathing. All the wires led to a small metal box which could be hung around my neck when it was time to take a pee. It was interesting to negotiate the wires and bulk in the bathroom and even more fun to catch a glimpse of myself, a cyborg, in the bathroom mirror.
The room resembled a tastefully but cheaply appointed moderately priced hotel, a bit small and without a fridge or that tantalizing bottle of water that will boost your room bill by $5 but with a flat-screen TV that was thoughtfully turned on (I immediately turned it off) and a desk, double bed, night table and wardrobe. (The wardrobe, however, is reserved for technical equipment. It is not for your nighty.)
Sleeping has become an ongoing issue for me. Most nights I wake during the night and can’t get back to sleep. On the occasional morning that I awake after a good night’s rest, I am happy, relaxed, peaceful. On many other days, I am exhausted, impatient, overwhelmed, irritable. It turns out not everyone who has sleep apnea snores or is overweight. This could be the culprit. But I don’t have the results yet and won’t for a couple of weeks.
It doesn’t help that I have been keeping Jonah company at night for his entire life and that he is not eager to see this come to an end. We’ve started talking about his being a big boy now (four!) and that big boys sleep on their own and that Mommies sleep with Papas in their own room. Now I go to sleep with him but, when I wake up, get up and go into my own bedroom (with my larger-size teddy bear, the husband) and battle the wakeful demons there. Jonah nearly always wakes during the night, though, and I dutifully return to his room and snuggle with him.
The good doctors at the sleep clinic are intent on breaking our family of its unhealthy sleep patterns and I am wary. I don’t believe in letting a child “cry it out.” The doctor I spoke to told me a heartwarming story about applying this treatment to her own son, who was six at the time. When he vomited all over himself she and her husband still didn’t go in. When he woke the next morning, he was—surprise!—covered in vomit. And yet, goes the feel-good conclusion, when she and her husband told her grown son this story, he didn’t remember a bit of it. At first he didn’t even believe them.
The unspoken conclusion: it can’t have harmed him.
I just don’t buy this argument. Can you imagine if we took the position that anything you don’t remember can’t have harmed you? I’ll listen to their recommendations, but if this is all they have to offer, it’s not going to work for me.
I acknowledge, as well, that I’m complicit in this scenario. My child is an IVF baby whose survival through much of my pregnancy was unsure; he is my only child who was born when I was 42 years old. The days of cuddling are few and precious. They are fleeting, they are wonderful, but they are also taking their toll.
I’m going to arm myself with Elizabeth Pantley’s The No-Cry Sleep Solution. Perhaps we’ll be on the road to independent sleeping by the time of my first appointment.
What are your thoughts? Do you have experience with teaching a young child to sleep on his or her own?
Old Mom, Young Child 
You’re definitely right in concluding that the “he doesn’t remember” story proves nothing. If if proves anything (from what I know of psychology), it proves a negative. He doesn’t remember it because it was traumatic at an early age. But it’s also true that you have to break this pattern for Jonah’s and your sake. Good luck with it, Aviva. I have great confidence that you’ll arrive at the right solution (because I have great confidence in you, but most importantly because it’s clear that you truly want to).
I so appreciate that, Dean! Thank you!
Honey, I DID THIS!!
Not the IVF/child/family thing, the sleep study. Exhausting. Sounds similar only I don’t think my version offered bathroom privileges. My hair was waxy for days. Or gluey or something. Horrible!
I’m so sorry that you are suffering with the sleepless hell. It is horrific. I wish I could help. Well at least in my case they figured out what was wrong & (kind of) fixed it. So maybe there’s hope?
Hang in there and let me know when you need to go out for (herbal) tea.
Oui, eg, that is my hope — that they’ll discover something that can be FIXED. I didn’t think the sleep study was horrific, just strange. They got me up a whole lot earlier than I would’ve liked, though. 5:30-ish. That was the worst part — I sleep best in the morning. 🙂
Hi Aviva,
Just read your blog about “sleep” and I just sent you an email to the address I have on file for you. Hope it’s right. Let me know if you got the email? ~Liz McNicholl
I also want to add (and forgot to put in my email to you), that I too do NOT agree with leaving your child in his room alone after he vomited. That is just awful. I agree whole heartedly that their child blocked it out of their mind as it was most likely a traumatic experience.
My email to you is long on both subjects, insomnia and Jonah. The one thing I will share with you and anyone else who reads this post and is going through the same thing with their child is that YOUR child will wean themselves away from needing their parent beside them at night. & when they do, hard to believe, sadly, you will miss the times that they needed that. Now with 2 boys 19, and 16 I realize that they grew up so much faster than everyone else said they would (sigh).
Hope you do get a decent night’s sleep soon.
I do agree, Liz — I’ve been operating on this premise all along, that one day Jonah will want nothing to do with me, that he’ll outgrow wanting me beside him at night…. But it is taking a toll on me, so I think we need to start moving in the direction of independent sleeping. I’m just not willing to be cruel in order to achieve that. I try to err in the direction of being a softie. It works better for me and I pray it works out in the long run.
Ugggg-insomnia sucks and I am so sorry that you are dealing w/it. I have been there myself.
I love that you are cuddling with your son-what a precious time in his life and yours. I guess you have to find a sleep situation that feels comfortable for your family-what would that be? Clearly it’s not having him cry or vomit all over the place-and that’s OK.
Going to the sleep clinic shows you are craving change in someway. You will find the answer-just dig deep. You seem like an incredibly strong and determined woman who won’t give up until the situation is rectified. Thinking of you and sending you lots of sleepy hugs.
Thanks so much, Lori. I truly appreciate the support. Thanks for the comments, everyone!
I have the same sleep situation as you! I stopped getting up and going to my own bed because I, too, found that getting into a cold bed in the middle of the night prevented me from getting back to sleep. What size bed does your son have? My son, daughter, and I sleep in my son’s queen-size (yes, queen-size) bed. I used to worry about this situation but, like you, my gut feeling is that these snuggly days are numbered. Also, you have to remember there are LOTS of folks whose children crawl into bed with them at night. Most people just don’t admit it. I have read several books to my children where baby animals snuggle up with their mothers and siblings at night. I always say to my kids, “See, why do most people expect their babies to sleep by themselves in a separate room?” As for your own rest, make sure you get regular exercise and give up all caffeine. A sleeping pill for a few days may get you back in the habit of sleeping through the night. Personally, I often wake up in the middle of the night but it’s not the kids fault. I try to do the things I just suggested and I also go to bed early so that despite a few wakeful hours I end up getting enough sleep. Good Luck!
I finally learned how to put myself to sleep (as opposed to putting the kids to sleep) when my boys were in high school…lol! I took a meditation course, where I learned how to relax myself completely. Then, the instructor told us to say over and over, “Deeper and deeper, deeper and deeper, deeper and deeper, Ahhhhhhh!” It put me to sleep then, and I use it today. I still don’t meditate very well, but I sleep great! 😉
Tracy and Sil, I so appreciate your sharing your experiences. I know this issue is a tough one for so many parents. There’s no one answer, as every child and every family is different. I’m still debating with myself: should I carry on and wait for the day when my child will put himself to sleep? Or should I facilitate that process? And if so, how? I still haven’t had a chance to really meditate on the question, so we’re still doing the same old thing.
We have just completed a transition with our almost 4 y.o…and we are parents of “advanced maternal (and paternal) age!”
It ended up a far less painless process than we thought it would be. We found our child is highly motivated for surprises, and leveraged that into a routine. We started out “if you fall asleep without mommy, you get a prize (in a little treasure box bought with the child at a craft store) in the morning. when the child called for mommy mid-night, she would dutifully go over and stay the rest of the night.
Once it was clear the child could fall asleep without mamma, (about a week of successes) we raised the ante. A slightly bigger prize that would culminate in a big prize (a $20 playmobil set after 5 days) if the child would go all night without either parent*. We scheduled this because, in part, mommy had to leave for a week for work. I (father) wasn’t looking forward to the wailing all night (x 7) that the previous one or two night mommy work trips caused.
We made explicit that the gifts would end with the big one (and we cushioned the blow because the next day was Easter). The child commented/complained about not having surprises for a couple mornings but has already seemed to have forgotten it.
The end results: Whereas it used to take upwards of two hours to get the kid asleep with mommy there, now we are down to 30-45 minutes until the child says goodnight.
Occasionally the child wakes and calls. We go and console and the child goes back to sleep.
The one side effect is that the child now often wakes up at 6 AM every day. And mommy and daddy are not early risers. If it is close to wake up time, we let the kid crawl up and snuggle with momma for a bit until we finally get going.
This gives the momma and kiddo some snuggle time and still allows everyone to sleep better. It took some time for me to get used to having the wife in bed all night, but no complaints!
The child sleeps better now and wakes less frequently too.
My advice, find what motivates your child and use it to empower your child to learn to sleep alone. You don’t have to go crazy $$$ wise, and you could time it close to a holiday or Birthday so that the Crescendo could be a birthday party etc.
We read all the no-cry and cry it out books and wanted a compassionate way to do it. We get derailed easily on incremental approaches, but we didn’t want to quit “cold tofu”, either. There were a few tears, yes, but not of the “wailing until I choke on my own vomit” variety.
*of course if the child has a bad dream, etc. we sit for bit and console. But the kid sleeps alone.
keep in mind: Individual results may vary, no guarantee is expressed or implied in this method. Use at your own risk. Etc.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, Sleepless. 🙂 This is a common issue for parents and little ones and it helps to hear from parents who are caring and loving.